Each difficult conversation is made up of three, distinct conversations: the What Happened? Conversation; the Feelings Conversation; and the Identity Conversation.

Mistakes in Difficult Conversations
Mistake 1 – Our assumptions about intentions are often wrong. Mistake 2 – Our good intentions don’t sanitize our bad impact. Mistake 3 – Blaming the other person.

Contributions to Difficult Conversations
Mapping contributions to the problem can lead to a much better understanding of the situation. Ask “What is the other person contributing?”, “What am I contributing?” and “Who else is involved?” Understanding what has contributed to the problem makes it easier to examine all the issues, as well as encourage learning and change.

Feelings in Difficult Conversations
How we handle our feelings can often explain how a situation got out of hand. It is
best if we own our own feelings, while keeping in mind that: feelings matter, we often try to block our feelings, unexpressed feelings can make it difficult to listen, and feelings are normal and natural.

Learning Conversations and the Third Story
A learning conversation should focus on: 1. Learning their story, 2. Expressing your views and feelings; and 3. Working together to explore possible solutions. One helpful way forward is to begin from the third story, keeping in mind that there is: my story, their story, and the Third Story (the real story). Get the other person’s story, share your story, then move to consider the three conversations: “What happened?”, “What feelings were involved?”, and “What identity issues were involved?”

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